Sick humour can be healing

Bad Things that the Abusers Are Generally Reputed to Do and How to Deal with Them.
Ritual abuse abusers are very scary people, or so we are all led to believe by the very scary things it is rumoured that they might possibly do to those of us who stand against them. In view of this, I thought it might be useful to supporters (and survivors) to make a wee list of what they might do and how people can respond to these scary scenarios.

Just in case anyone doesn’t get it, this is humour. I am being flippant as usual and I hope it is obvious that if any real or serious threat is ever made then the police can be a great source of comfort and protection for you. It’s daft to sit afraid and silenced when you can just shop them. The following things are a few ideas for not taking things too seriously. Life is far too short!

Headless chickens pinned on your door: This one is the easiest of all to deal with. First, make sure that the chickens are properly dead. They should be if they have no heads on, but you never know what those baddies are capable of, so it’s best to check carefully. If there is no head, no movement at all, no response to stimuli and no blood flow, then it is probably safe to assume the creatures are dead.

Then, simple pluck and clean the chickens, remove all the inside squidgy bits, wrap the chickens in tinfoil and cook for about two hours for a lovely free meal courtesy of the baddies. Add a touch of tarragon for absolute perfection and draft a thank you letter to your admirers for sending you such lovely gifts.

Dead creatures constantly cluttering up your garden: If they are small, bury them in the garden. (Once again, please ensure they really are dead first.) This will save you from buying fertilisers. Larger creatures such as dogs or foxes will have to be dealt with by the environmental health department (ask for special bulk rates if it is a recurring problem for you).

Creatures such as cows, pigs, horses or elephants might gain you some extra income from the knackers, though too many of these cluttering up the street might get your neighbours talking about you. If people begin to ask, tell them that your garden is a bit like the elephants graveyard and animals just love to come and die there because it is on an animal lay line.

Baddies in cloaks and masks chasing you down the street: First, try not to fall over from laughing at them. A fall can dislocate an ankle, badly bruise your legs or severely skin your knees. It is safer to hold onto a lamppost or fence whilst laughing. Be careful that you don’t choke while laughing. If you are chewing gum or eating a sandwich when the baddies appear, spit it all our first.

Be sure to ask the baddies to pose for a picture for you as such wonderful sights and laughs should always be shared. It might be a good idea to keep a camera with you at all times as such groups of baddies are unpredictable and could appear at any time.

666 painted on your door: Change your house number to match the new one on your door but remember to alert the post office to the number change otherwise you will not get your mail. If the colours used are nicer than your door, consider leaving a note asking for the whole thing to be done properly next time.

Funny mail through your letterbox: Change your house number or get the folk from the bit above to change it for you, but do remember to tell your friends. Place a bin behind your door to save you bending down every morning to pick up any of the funny mail that still gets through. Remember to keep an eye open for normal mail or you may miss any fat cheques that might drop by. Start a funny mail folder to entertain your visitors when conversation is flagging.

Astral Plane attacks: By far the best way to deal with this is not to believe in it at all. Denial is always the best form of defence. Otherwise, get an old spitfire and fight back. If, for some reason, this doesn’t work, carefully place a ring of pure rock salt round your bed each night time. While this may not stop the baddies from attacking, it will most definitely deter any slugs that might be about.

Try mounting a machine gun on your roof, again this may not stop the baddies on the astral level, but you will be able to take pot shots at anyone you don’t like the look of and feel much better for it. Use strong sleeping pills or drink copious amounts of alcohol before retiring and you may not notice any astral attacks while you are sleeping or unconscious.

Threats to Set Fire to your house: Get a really good home insurance policy and don’t forget a contents cover with new for old in the policy. Cultivate your local fire station crew, have them round for tea and biscuits regularly, let them use your house to practise rescues, show them round and provide them with a house map. Fill your home with fire fighting equipment just in case. Throw out the sofa and sit on the fire extinguishers (you may need some padding).

Practise dialling 999, use a toy phone so you don’t get prosecuted and do not confuse it with 666 or you may get the wrong fire crew round. This might just make everything worse.

People following you around: If you are in your car, drive very, very slowly, don’t signal any manoeuvres just make turns whenever you feel like it, drive through red lights, brake at random for every pigeon, real and imagined, and take an erratic but steady route to the nearest police station where you will probably be arrested and be kept safely in a cell pending a few motoring charges. You should of course tell the police that you were only driving like that because you were being followed by baddies. It is always remotely possible you will be believed.

If on foot, walk straight up to the alleged baddy, bump into him or her then scream, ‘get your filthy hands off of me’ or say very loudly, ‘when did you get out of the secure hospital?’. If this fails to attract positive attention and assistance from passers by, try fainting or having a seizure. Don’t do this if only you and the alleged baddy are alone in the street.

If you are in a busy street, try pointing a finger at the baddy and screaming, ‘when are you going to start paying for your six brats then?’ This should have the effect of embarrassing the baddy so much that he or she will never follow you again. On quiet streets or country roads, you will need different tactics. Try popping into the nearest house and ask to use the bathroom and a phone. Phone several large friends to come and get you. If you do not have large friends, it is a good idea to aquire them.

Funny Phone Calls: these are always great for a laugh. There are everal suggestions to try here. Try taping the calls and playing the tapes back every time the baddy phones. Make sure that it is the baddies first though or you may become unpopular with friends. Give the phone to your one year old child to answer and leave them chatting to the baddy. Try selling the caller double-glazing or a new kitchen while they are on the phone. Pretend to be Chinese, French or a deaf person. Get your mother in law, father in law or priest round for a few days and let her/him/them deal with the calls. Get your dog to answer the phone. When you are bored with all this fun, just change your phone number.

Tapping your phone: If you hear tapping noises while using your phone, be instantly paranoid and assume the worst – someone may be listening in to your private calls. The phone must be tapped! Start using your mobile instead for the very private stuff and save your landline for all the most boring stuff. Entertain your secret listeners by talking about them to everyone you talk to on the phone. Include them in your conversations at all times and pursuade your callers to do the same. Make sure that none of your callers have a psychiatric background or you may end up in hospital under a Mental Health section.

Cutting your car brakes: Just in case this has happened during the night make sure that every morning you spend at least an hour driving only on level ground. If you live in Dundee, you will have a problem with this so better just to sell or give away your car just in case.

Pack an anchor into your car so that you are equipped for all emergencies. Regularly practise using your anchor as you drive along. Do watch out for children and old people as they are unlikely to be strong enough to get hold of the anchor and stop you. Get an ejector seat fitted to the car just in case the anchor fails. Make certain that there is a functional parachute attached to the ejector seat.

Interfering with your car steering: Keep a spare steering wheel in your car within easy reach. If your steering wheel comes away in your hands, you can quickly replace it with another. Make sure that your indicators are working and if need be get an auto electrician to wire them so that they flash in both directions at the same time. This way, no matter which way your car turns, you have indicated both possibilities. Drive only on straight roads. Difficult if you live in Scotland.

Spreading lies and rumour about you: this one is difficult as without substance any rumour can take hold and there is always someone willing to believe it. Why not try spreading your own rumours (about yourself)? Spread so many conflicting and outrageous bits of information that people will end up coming to you to ask which bit is true. Deny nothing! Let people say and think what they want to, they will anyway. Become eccentric in the extreme. Wear large flowery hats (especially good if you are male), get a three-legged dog, and wear your clothes inside out. In effect, give people something real to talk about and the rumours and lies won’t matter at all.

Information passed on to the group about you: Make sure that any potential information is juicy (and very inaccurate). Let everyone know that you have connections to a hit squad in the criminal underworld. Make sure that everyone knows that you live with your six strapping brothers. Treat it like lies and rumours.

What to do about Threats: There are numerous threats available to baddies ranging from threats to harm your children to threats to expose the contents of your closet. Threats are designed to frighten you so feel free to tremble, shake, cry and feel very afraid. When you get fed up of this, stop trembling and think. People who make threats are cowards and rarely carry them out.

Don’t threaten back but immediately carry out whatever direct action you can think of. This can range from telling the police about the threats and where they are coming from to telling your local heavies and pointing them in the right direction. Threats are a complete waste of time and energy so if you think of retaliation at all, just do it. Otherwise ignore it until you have something more concrete to go on such as serious attempts on your life (see next item).

If need be empty out your closet to make more space for bodies in case you decide you’ve had enough of stupid threats.

How to deal with serious attempts on your life: Firstly, please take very seriously any serious death threats, as they can be very serious indeed. Also, we would recommend the following;
Take out a huge life-insurance policy, accident policy and join a private heath care scheme such as BUPA. Obviously, just in case the serious death threat has serious consequences, you would be well advised to provide for your nearest and dearest. In case of injury, lets face it, you don’t want to be left hanging about on a trolley for days waiting to see a doctor, do you?

Staying safe During a Serious Death Threat Period!
For safety reasons, it is best to walk about in a large crowd at all times. Make absolutely sure that the crowd you are walking around in does not contain any baddies.

Find a religion and become a believer of something. This may not help but while worshiping the something you have become a believer in, you will be safely in a large crowd. Try to be sure that you are not joining a ‘bad’ religion. Small Clue here! Bad religions hurt people, good religions aren’t supposed to hurt anyone.

Football matches are great for instant crowds too but watch out for football hooligans, wearing the wrong coloured scarf, yobs and greasy pies.

Shopping malls are great for crowds especially on Saturdays and have the added advantage of permitting some retail therapy, which is reputedly, so I am told, very good for you when you are worried about being killed.

Buy some armour, lightweight is best if you have a busy lifestyle, and make sure you buy additional deodorant. You will need it.

If you have money and a passport, leave the country. Go to a country with a military dictator. They will not allow your baddies to encroach on their terror.

Here are some serious things to watch out for and gather useful evidence from when you know that there is going to be a serious attempt on your life…. Bear in mind that evidence will be required if you ever want to be believed and get protection from the police. Keep a camera handy at all times. Here are some things to watch out for

Shootings – Listen carefully for loud bangs and duck instantly if you hear one. Keep all bullets fired in your direction as evidence. Any bullets, which lodge in your body can be removed by a reliable BUPA surgeon and used as a form of evidence.

Knifings – the light armour will help prevent this. Remember that any holes in your body may become an important form of evidence. Do not drink fluids until you are stitched though. If you see the knife coming and manage to grab it, keep it as evidence. If you intend doing this, it is best to wear strong gardening gloves at all times. (It will be difficult to manage the camera with these gloves on.)

Drowning: Avoid being near any water, even puddles. If you can’t avoid it, make sure you can swim. Never go out in the rain. Carry a small oxygen container in your bag, just in case. Water in your lungs is also good evidence of an attempt on your life.

Suffocation- Avoid people carrying plastic bags or cling film. Attach a small pair of scissors to your key ring. Keep your key ring handy at all times. (Difficult with the camera and the strong gardening gloves.)

Buried alive- Avoid large open holes in the ground. Stay away from cemeteries. Carry a small shovel in your bag at all times. Earth in your lungs is really great evidence of an attempt to bury you alive.

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